I like feeling clean. Like really clean. The feeling of a thick layer of soap on my hands, sprouting little clear bubbles is the best feeling in the world. ...But I know it shouldn't be. But it is and I want to change that.
In the last week I have decided I will only wash my hands once whenever I choose to wash them. Normal people are perfectly happy and healthy even though they only lather once, so I'm not going to blow up if I don't. So after much talking to myself on the topic I washed my hands once and turned off the water! It was terrible. I felt itchy and tingly - Bleh!!! I was dying to fling the handle of the sink up and scrub my hands a second or third time, but I thought about it and sat on my hands. "No! I am not going to submit! Even if it will kill me! I shall explode!!" And 30 minutes went by and I didn't explode. I didn't even start coughing blood or laying on the floor slowly dying. I was fine! :) YAY!!!
Skip ahead three days and I'm still not deathly ill, although King Kong tries to tell me so. I have only washed once (per time I want or need to wash) every time! (Ok, not entirely true. I have washed my hands twice about once a day... but hey, I'm not perfect.)
As I am doing a victory dance about my house tonight singing that I am punching King Kong in the face, I am silently worrying inside. "How much longer can I keep this up?" "It's been a long weekend and you've been home where there is good soap. What will happen when you go back to school? They have crappy soap! I always wash three more times than usual at school!" These thoughts make me want to burst out crying. I feel so helpless and dumb at the same time. This is so hard and nobody understands. They think that girl that's always in the bathroom after third and fifth period is a freak that always washes five times. What loser! Why would somebody be so stupid to do that??? I don't know what I should do...
Tomorrow will be the ultimate test of strength, will-power and endurance. So I will prepare myself to face it! I will just imagine an entire army of people behind me cheering me on not to do what King Kong screams at me to do.
So, yeah. If anybody else has this "handwashing curse" I totally get you. Right now I am looking at my bright red, cracked and bleeding hands. It really hurts to move them, but I'm used to it. Lotion doesn't work and I don't like to put it on because it makes me feel like I am some how weaker than other people. I know that is totally not true, but I can't get it out of my head. I've never told my mom this, but after a week of using a lotion I would just wash my hands after she checked to make sure I had it on. I was at rock bottom. I feel alone and weird. That's why I always wear long-sleeved shirts! I am so embarrassed, but I want to be better and be done with this crap. For good.
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